Lately I've been writing. A lot. I've also been reading about writing. Then writing some more. Then reading what I wrote, and then writing even more...You get the picture, lots of writing.
One thing I hate to do is go back a few years and look at my old writings. I cringe reading my own writing the same way some actresses admit to hating watching themselves on TV. (Hey, any time I can compare myself to an actress you bet your ass I'm going to!)
When I read some of my old stuff I see grammatical errors, discrepancies with tense, and can even sense whether I was in a good or bad head space at the time. But there are times in your life when you have to stop being so critical of yourself and just share! Sharing my writing makes me a stronger writer, which is one of the highest goals on my list! (Other life goals include: scuba diving with Jeannette, having the babies, and bitch-slapping Oprah, in case you were wondering.)
So now, "submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this..." (Credit here, and also credit from me for knowing where that was from before clicking the link): "Eulogy for a Carb" which was written for a public speaking class at the University of Wisconsin: Oshkosh in the fall of 2008. I was 26. No revisions, or additions, just a college paper for your enjoyment. (Oh, and imagine me in front of a classroom full of trendy, judgey 18 year olds, reading this out loud. That happened.)
It’s
been a difficult day. A dark cloud has settled over my head and I’m forced to
say goodbye to a dear, dear friend. It isn’t easy but I understand that it is a part
of life.
For
26 years he’s proven to be beneficial and promote my growth and well-being.
He’s given me strength and comfort. He’s been by my side in times of sorrow and
also with me for those wonderful, unforgettable moments.
But
today, I say adieu to you, Carbohydrate. You’ve been with me for over two decades
now and I appreciate you. We’ve had some great times together and today, as you
leave my life, I want to say a few words to honor you. I’d like to show your
family and friends how you made an impact on my life. I’ll describe some of my
fondest memories, like when I was 8 and had a Barbie-themed birthday, or my
first date before the Homecoming dance, and then when I made my first
Thanksgiving dinner.
Starting
in my youth, my childhood dream came true when my parents threw me the perfect,
pink birthday party when I turned eight years old. All of my friends were in
their pretty dresses and the decorations were beautiful. But the best part of
the day was the Barbie-shaped birthday cake! Two layers of sweet, fluffy cake
and pink butter cream frosting. Carbohydrate, you were with all of us through
every satisfying bite and you made this little girl happier than you’ll ever
know.
Later,
by the time I was in 9th grade, Carbohydrate and I were very close.
We’d spend all day together, from Fruit Loops for breakfast, pizza at lunch,
and the tuna casserole that mom made for dinner. So it was obvious that for my
first real date, Carbohydrate would accompany me. My date, David, took me to an
Italian restaurant. Carbohydrate was with us as we enjoyed warm garlic bread
and chicken fettuccini Alfredo. For dessert we splurged on cheesecake and then
had a blast dancing with Carbohydrate during Homecoming.
It’s
a turning point in every adult’s life when they host their first holiday meal
for the family. Luckily, I had Carbohydrate with me every step of the way to
give me comfort. From the first glass of wine, to the stuffing, sweet potatoes,
and of course, pumpkin pie, my family congratulated Carbohydrate and I for such
a spectacular Thanksgiving meal. I knew what a good team we made and thought
we’d always be together.
Then
I started reading Dr. Atkins’ books and my ideas about Carbohydrate changed. I
realized that my body didn’t easily break down the complex carbs that he provided.
I saw that he was making me softer, heavier, and giving me a carb-complex! Today
I make a difficult decision, its time I break it off with Carbohydrate!
I’m
sorry Carbohydrate, but my life and my tummy just don’t have room for you. I’m
certain you will find another girl who will welcome you with open arms, and an
open mouth. You’ll be the French fries that fill her emptiness, the sweet
blueberry muffin that begs her awake, and the chocolate chip cookies that help
her guests feel welcomed. You’re going to mean the world to her, as you once
meant to me. But I’ve done my research and I’ve found that you and I just don’t
get along anymore. You weigh me down Carbohydrate, and I don’t need that in my
life right now.
As
I say goodbye to you today, I remember those great times we had, from childhood
birthday parties, to first dates and holidays and I thank you for always being
close. Here’s to you, Carbohydrate, sweet friend. I will miss you and always
think of you fondly.
