In my late teens and early twenties I watched Sex & the City.
Actually, I didn’t just watch... I was binge-watching before that was even a thing (I had it on VHS after all. Impressed? – or saddened? I’m old. It’s fine. The first step is acceptance, so now I can move on). Foolishly, I turned to Carrie (the main character, played by Sarah Jessica Parker) for relationship advice. And if you’ve seen the show, you know what a HUGE mistake that was! She was a mess in relationships! She would change her entire life for her man! She would ditch her friends, she’d act differently, usually get a wardrobe that better suited him, and she’d absolutely obsess over the man of the moment. Hell, she moved to Paris for one guy! Giving up her entire New York life. And in my early years of dating I had no reference other than TV and movies! I lived in a safe little bubble and was not experienced in the ways of guys and sex and love. Being completely naïve, I admit it, I took tips from fictional characters (also the likes of Cher in Clueless…um, hello! Talk about clueless!).
So all of my relationships for many years were doomed because I’d do the same thing as Carrie! I’d put my individual personality on a shelf and become what I thought was “the perfect girlfriend” for my boyfriend of the moment. And it’s so unhealthy! It puts a lot of pressure on the guy (which, they do not like or handle well) and I’d end up losing my identity to the point I wouldn’t recognize myself (and the people I loved wouldn’t recognize me either). Then I’d get depressed and cry too much. But when I’d try to reintegrate parts of me back in, inevitably, it’d cause issues or he wouldn’t like the changes, and finally, I’d reach a breaking point. Then when I broke up with him I’d have to restore my whole character…not to mention wardrobe and group of friends. It was a nasty cycle. I did not know how to be myself in a relationship with someone else. (Most of my exes would agree, I’m sure…Speaking of, I often wonder if any of them follow my blog! Wouldn’t that be something? Just in case– Hi Logan! Hi Aaron H! Hi Shannon!...okay, too many more to list. And shit, maybe I need to stop dating guys with names ending in “n”! Oh, and that blog about boys I promised so long ago really is forthcoming. I just have to be a little tipsy first. Deal? That blog here: #1)
For the past year and a half I’ve been single (mostly). I have been busy being genuinely me. I am busy becoming. This is key so that the next time I’m in a relationship, I don’t lose myself. I want to find a man who is also his genuinely best self. And we’ll come together with our own lives and our personalities will remain intact. Separate togetherness, if you will.
And I thought any guy would love that scenario, right? He has his life, I have my life and we spend time together when we want and we spend time apart when we want. No hovering. No suffocating. The only requirement is that it takes a LOT of trust…even more trust from him knowing I’m a flirt. (I really have to work on that! Sorry, in advance Future Boyfriend!) But so far, I haven’t found any takers. Well…okay… maybe I haven’t really put myself out there, since I’m not quite ready to be in a relationship…especially before the summer with all the parties and lake trips and drinks on rooftop bars! Are you crazy? But come fall, yes, that’s what I’ll be aiming for. And at this point in my life, I won’t settle.
Until then, pour me another champagne, put on some EDM, and let’s dance!
XO
Skate
PS: If you have a string of failed relationships do you see the pattern? Are you at fault? Put aside your ego and be honest with yourself. It can be gut wrenching, but in order to grow and not make the same mistake next time, you have to do it. I did and am so much more comfortable being single today! Try it!
And if you find yourself living someone else’s life, stop it! You MUST be perfectly you. No one can do it better. You will find someone who loves the real you. Don’t worry and don’t rush it.
Above all, take Shel Silverstein’s advice in the poem “Masks” and show your true self every day:
She had blue skin,
And so did he.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by—
And never knew.
