Why I’m Single - Part 2: The Odds Are Not in My Favor

I’m unapologetically single. I don’t have kids or pets. I have my own place. I’m in my 30s (young enough to still cut loose on occasion but old enough to know my limits). In other words, I do what I want. And I’m having the best years of my life! I attribute it to being so footloose and fancy free. It could also be that I just have more confidence and know myself better than at other points of my life….but whatever the case, I don’t want it to end! Today, for example, I’m planning a trip to visit Greece next month. On a whim! Simply because a friend suggested we should go to Greece for a week. I adore my freedom. I work hard and make money so I can do things like an impromptu trip. I admit, I have moments that I regret not getting married and having kids like most the women my age, but on days like today, those thoughts are a million miles away. Sorry, not sorry.

So the second blog in my series on Being Single focuses on this – I am single because I do not want my life to change! And everyone knows that the bringing together of two separate lives causes catastrophic changes. Good change I can handle, the loss of freedom is what terrifies me. And how do you know when you first meet someone??


Most of you have dated. It can be fun (also sometimes scary, I realize), but you know the general timeline of things:

1. There’s the getting to know you phase when you see each other a couple nights a week. You have butterflies in your stomach and you kiss a lot. This is my favorite part. I enjoy dating…as long as it doesn’t infringe on my weekly standing activities with my girls, or my personal time, that is. During this phase you still have your own lives and make room for each other when possible. Perfect.
2. Then when you really like each other, you decide to date exclusively. You spend most of your time together (which is great if he’s awesome!) and you stop dating other people. I can do that. I can be monogamous (despite what you’ve heard! Ha!). But if he shows signs of control or jealousy or insecurity when I talk to other people, I immediately lose interest and look for a way out. I am sure I’m not alone in this. No one wants to date a parent, and that’s what it feels like when they start making all your decisions for you. I urge you, don’t do it and don’t get involved with someone who does! 
3. Then if you do meet someone who is awesome to hang with, and is not controlling, you may even move-in together. This phase is usually when things go wrong for me. I have a bad habit of rushing this step. And before I know it “I” turns to “we” and then we suddenly have one brain and one schedule and do everything on earth together. Blecch! I’m independent. I like spending time alone. I’m all for step three, but it has to be right, not forced! For me, this step has always involved a bf who starts tracking my every move (including a few who hacked my personal email or checked my phone and bank statements on the regular). So you can imagine why I’m in no rush to reenter cohabitation! 
4. If you do make it through dating seriously with an awesome guy and you think living together is a breeze, then there is usually talk of rings and a wedding. Swoon! I’ve made it to this phase with 5 different guys. At first it is unbelievably romantic and dreamy and exciting to be with “the one”! But what I wasn’t anticipating is how quickly it turns into a mountain of expectations and schedules and rules. Plus you cut back on spending to save money for the big event. Basically, you stop dating and talking about anything other than the future so you stop living in the present! That’s dangerous! It has caused a lot of miscommunication in my past. A killer of relationships! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just take it slow if this is what you’re aiming for.
5. And …then comes marriage. This step is elusive. I have had a ring on my finger, a dress in my closet**, and the invites sent out for a Saturday in June…but I did not make it to the altar. I ran in the opposite direction actually. I was not ready to be with one guy the rest of my life. (Especially that guy!)* So this one is tricky, for me and many. I’m trying to tackle it like a new subject in school. I searched for books that help with successful marriages. I read Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, that helped. I read The 5 Love Languages, and even the classic Men are From Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. But printed words on the page can hardly prepare me for being in love and knowing the “right” way to spend the rest of my life with someone. My hesitation is that I hate failing. So you can see why I’m so reluctant to enter into marriage, which has less than a 50% success rate. The odds are not in my favor! 

I won’t give up though. I still look at each day as a chance to meet the man that will make me want to settle down. I’m optimistic, but also a realist… Which is why I booked another singles cruise for a year from now. 😁


Until I find an awesome guy, who is not controlling, who is fun to be around, who I can happily cohabitate with, then I will be single, and I will travel, and I will continue to do what I want. I won’t miss a second of this beautiful world and my beautiful life!

Remember not to force anything! If it is right, it will flow.

Good night Lovelies! Happy dating!
XO
SKate



*Some of you are wondering I’m sure…so here it is. My ex-fiancé and I both had major character flaws that led to a lack of trust and then unfixable relationship problems. His pain made him retaliate with vindictive actions which negatively impacted my life and job, so I left Charlotte and made for a fresh start out in Utah. I licked my wounds and faced my fears and moved back to Charlotte 2 years later.

**And you can help a girl out and buy said wedding dress straight from me! Please help me get rid of this ghost! I'm selling it on StillWhite.com 

Why I’m Single – Part 1: Blue Skinned Girl

In my late teens and early twenties I watched Sex & the City.

Actually, I didn’t just watch... I was binge-watching before that was even a thing (I had it on VHS after all. Impressed? – or saddened? I’m old. It’s fine. The first step is acceptance, so now I can move on). Foolishly, I turned to Carrie (the main character, played by Sarah Jessica Parker) for relationship advice. And if you’ve seen the show, you know what a HUGE mistake that was! She was a mess in relationships! She would change her entire life for her man! She would ditch her friends, she’d act differently, usually get a wardrobe that better suited him, and she’d absolutely obsess over the man of the moment. Hell, she moved to Paris for one guy! Giving up her entire New York life. And in my early years of dating I had no reference other than TV and movies! I lived in a safe little bubble and was not experienced in the ways of guys and sex and love. Being completely naïve, I admit it, I took tips from fictional characters (also the likes of Cher in Clueless…um, hello! Talk about clueless!).

So all of my relationships for many years were doomed because I’d do the same thing as Carrie! I’d put my individual personality on a shelf and become what I thought was “the perfect girlfriend” for my boyfriend of the moment. And it’s so unhealthy! It puts a lot of pressure on the guy (which, they do not like or handle well) and I’d end up losing my identity to the point I wouldn’t recognize myself (and the people I loved wouldn’t recognize me either). Then I’d get depressed and cry too much. But when I’d try to reintegrate parts of me back in, inevitably, it’d cause issues or he wouldn’t like the changes, and finally, I’d reach a breaking point. Then when I broke up with him I’d have to restore my whole character…not to mention wardrobe and group of friends. It was a nasty cycle. I did not know how to be myself in a relationship with someone else. (Most of my exes would agree, I’m sure…Speaking of, I often wonder if any of them follow my blog! Wouldn’t that be something? Just in case– Hi Logan! Hi Aaron H! Hi Shannon!...okay, too many more to list. And shit, maybe I need to stop dating guys with names ending in “n”! Oh, and that blog about boys I promised so long ago really is forthcoming. I just have to be a little tipsy first. Deal? That blog here: #1)

For the past year and a half I’ve been single (mostly). I have been busy being genuinely me. I am busy becoming. This is key so that the next time I’m in a relationship, I don’t lose myself. I want to find a man who is also his genuinely best self. And we’ll come together with our own lives and our personalities will remain intact. Separate togetherness, if you will.

And I thought any guy would love that scenario, right? He has his life, I have my life and we spend time together when we want and we spend time apart when we want. No hovering. No suffocating. The only requirement is that it takes a LOT of trust…even more trust from him knowing I’m a flirt. (I really have to work on that! Sorry, in advance Future Boyfriend!) But so far, I haven’t found any takers. Well…okay… maybe I haven’t really put myself out there, since I’m not quite ready to be in a relationship…especially before the summer with all the parties and lake trips and drinks on rooftop bars! Are you crazy? But come fall, yes, that’s what I’ll be aiming for. And at this point in my life, I won’t settle.

Until then, pour me another champagne, put on some EDM, and let’s dance!

XO
Skate

PS: If you have a string of failed relationships do you see the pattern? Are you at fault? Put aside your ego and be honest with yourself. It can be gut wrenching, but in order to grow and not make the same mistake next time, you have to do it. I did and am so much more comfortable being single today! Try it!

And if you find yourself living someone else’s life, stop it! You MUST be perfectly you. No one can do it better. You will find someone who loves the real you. Don’t worry and don’t rush it.

Above all, take Shel Silverstein’s advice in the poem “Masks” and show your true self every day:

She had blue skin,
And so did he.

He kept it hid

And so did she.

They searched for blue

Their whole life through,

Then passed right by—

And never knew.

Bikinis, Beaches, a Big Boat, a Best Friend, a Technology Break and Breathing Easy

In one week I'll be at the Ritz in Miami, most likely suffering from insomnia due to the excitement building for my 10 day singles cruise to the Caribbean on March 3rd!

This is a momentous vacation for me - it will be my first real vacation not accompanied by my parents or a past boyfriend. I'm going with my BFF and can only imagine the true spirit of freedom that will surround us. (Sing it for us George Michael)

Unlike traveling with parents I won't have to worry about curfews (yes, even on vacation!) or embarrassing them, or showing too much skin (bring on the teeny tiny bikinis!). And unlike traveling with my exes, I won't have to be on their schedule, or be careful who I talk to (a boy? gasp!), or how much I drink. Actually, the last cruise I was on, my boyfriend proposed to me the first night aboard! Michael* completely caught me off-guard. I remember being on the top deck and he started talking about a secret meeting he had up in Chicago a month before and that he hadn't been completely honest with me about a few things...I seriously considered throwing him overboard! WTF?! But then he revealed that he met up with my parents to ask for my hand in marriage... Precious. Too bad he was an angry, creepy, controlling, asshole or it would have been a great story to tell our kids someday. (I left him 4 weeks before our wedding in 2012, by the way. Sorry, not sorry. And I totally should have pushed the jackass overboard!)

Not sure how this post about a vacation turned into a confession, but I warned you in my very first blog that I tend to go off on tangents...and that I'm honest. Probably too honest. (Read that blog here)

Moving on... So this cruise will be one of the best weeks of my life, to be sure. We've got theme nights (everything from neon, to superhero, to masquerade) and island excursions (like a tour of Flamingo Beach and a zip line in Labadee), an endless drink package, fine dining, warm sun, oh, and cute singles!!

But mostly I'm looking forward to unplugging. I will not be online. I will not be on Facebook or Instagram. I will not be reachable by text. I will not be checking email. I will not even have my computer.

My life is far too controlled by screens! Can you relate??

I wake up to the alarm on my cell phone. I work all day in front of a laptop, with a second monitor. I go to the gym to run on a treadmill with a personal TV showing my course. I eat dinner scrolling through social media or reading a book on my Kindle. And at the end of the day I usually watch a show or movie in bed. 24-7 I'm tied to technology! And I need a break. I don't want to know who is complaining about our President, who's kid kept them up until 3am, or who made it through leg day at the gym. I really shouldn't care about that shit anyway, but I do. I do it too occasionally. And I (used to) like my virtual life. It used to be such a happy, funny life (remember addictive games, pictures with friends (NOT selfies), and check ins at restaurants?). Lately all the complaining and meddling in others' business is out of control! Give me the days before Likes (not to mention all the other emotions!), and making random FB albums, and bragging about your winning streak on Farmville! Where did our innocence go?! Look at this fluffy, happy, unicorn-type shit from 2006 that I posted:

Not a single Like or comment...we didn't do that back then. We actually took time to make albums, not just upload pictures from our phone. And we/I thought it was important to post a picture of a van shaped like a pig. I want that silliness back! We all take things FAR too seriously now. If a girl doesn't get 100 likes on a picture, she deletes it! We bicker over politics. We say mean things to people and feel empowered because of this buffer of a screen name. It's bullshit!

My request is that you think about your virtual life. How would someone view you if they ONLY saw your profiles? Do you use FB as a soapbox? Do you only go online to complain? Are you rude to people because you'll never meet them in person?

Can we try to follow that old adage our elders taught us that if we don't have something nice to say, we don't say it? Will you attempt to exude positiveness this week online? Try it: one week with ZERO complaints. NO bashing someone or their opinions. Try posting only compliments and jokes and things that make you smile.

Then after you conquered it this week. Try another week. Then another. 

Maybe someday the internet will be safer... or at least more fun and less judgmental. I'll do my part. I hope you'll do yours. 

Next week will be easy for me...no internet on my cruise. :) 

For now, it's time to dream about umbrella drinks and swimming in clear blue water. And a happy, silly internet world.

XO

SKate

*Names have NOT been changed because there was nothing innocent about that guy! Muwhahaha!

Kate Hudson is My Spirit Animal (alternate title: Vision Boards Changed My Life)

A few years ago vision boards were all the rage. You might have made one. You might still, which is good too. If you did, go find it and take inventory of what you put on it. Are there patterns? More of one type of thing than another? I've probably made 5 now but here is a snapshot of one of the first (it was multi-page in my journal):

Check out what I valued...do you see it too? I noticed it just today, it's mostly STUFF! Physical things that I wanted, be it shoes, a fancy car even a grand piano! STUFF! There is very little about who I wanted to be as a person, or what I wanted to experience that year, or goals I wanted to accomplish. Basically, I missed the point of the exercise and created a grown-up Christmas list. Sad.

This past fall I was getting restless in my current situation, as often happens to me every 3 or so years. I get wanderlust and I decide to pick up my life and change everything, move across country, or something equally as crazy. But this time I was thinking of moving to an island! Somewhere like Belize, or The Virgin Islands, or Panama. And in preparation, I walked around my apartment and looked at something, like my reading lamp, and asked myself if it was worth paying the hefty shipping fee to get it to my new place. I'd conclude it wasn't, then walk on to the next item. And so on. At the end of my walk-through I only had about 5 things (other than clothes of course) that I'd really want with me if I moved to a tropical island. It made me realize I wanted a life filled with more than just STUFF!

Since then I've been nonchalant about my belongings (which usually I'm very protective of and careful with) and haven't really been buying new stuff at all. I think my money is better spent on dinners with friends, or flights home to see my family, or vacations and new experiences...or, okay, the occasional tattoo, like this one:

I decided that I'd keep the bare minimum to make me comfortable and sell or donate the rest. So I'm in this purging mode (my stuff, not my stomach, to be clear!) and have challenged myself to keep only one of something, but definitely no more than 3 (say, pots, since I do like to cook). I don't even mind if I'll be "inconvenienced" someday if I go to reach for something that I need which I gave away the month before. That just gives me an opportunity to be creative and come up with an alternative plan...or to ask a friend or neighbor to borrow theirs. It's always been hard for me to admit I need help, but exercises like that will make me get over thinking of it as a weakness.

My stuff was clouding my life and what truly matters! I won't ever let that happen again. Hell, I'll become a minimalist and follow these guys before that happens (go watch their documentary on Netflix)!

But I do want to point out one beacon of hope on my vision board...the picture of Kate Hudson. I'm not a stalker, and although I think she's pretty, I don't want to date her...Don't be weird. But look at my handwritten note by the pic "Be chill like Kate." To me, that means to be more like the silly, yoga-loving, successful, Bohemian Princess that she is! Plus she's an entrepreneur, seems to have many close friends, and loves to have a good time! (Click here for a fun party pic...wouldn't you love to hang out with her?!) Bonus that my middle name is Kate...so every time I sign something, see my full name, or write a blog under my nickname, SKate, I will be reminded to be more free spirited and care less about my STUFF and more about my happiness.

Do you have STUFF you don't need? Is it taking over your home, and your life? If it's not important, or used regularly, I challenge you to get rid of it! You may even make a few extra dollars, which I suggest you put toward a vacation fund. :)

Have fun, always, Lovelies!
SKate

Pretty Girl...Pretty Girl

Have you ever seen "Dumb and Dumber"? If you're my age (gulp, almost 35!), you probably have seen it... If you're a millennial, you may have seen "Dumb and Dumberer" (I'm sorry) or you watched the original because it is now considered a cult classic. In any case, I hope you have seen the original because it's quirky and ridiculous, and full of one-liners you can use in daily life, well, if you've got a sick sense of humor, like me. 

In the movie, one of the characters (Lloyd, by they way, but that doesn't matter) sells a dead parakeet to a wheelchair-laden blind boy (because of course he does). There's this scene with this little boy stroking the bird's head (which has been taped on) and he's repeating "Pretty Bird. Pretty Bird." See. It's this sweet, innocent, pre-pubescent melody. And lately I've been repeating it over and over to myself in the mirror, except replacing "bird" with "girl." 

Stay with me now: You've almost certainly heard that what you put out into the world comes back to you, or about the power of positive thinking, or that you become what you think... Yadda yadda. Right? This idea, however it's phrased, has been passed along through history (even before The Secret mentioned it, I'll remind you). So I'm testing it out. 

Basically my whole life I struggled with self-confidence and didn't like the reflection I saw in the mirror. I would mentally pick apart all the things that were "wrong" with my appearance...I had acne, then scars and deep pores. A bubble nose. Bushy eyebrows, and then thin, patchy eyebrows after majorly tweezed brows were all the rage in the 90s. Freckles, which I tried to cover with WAY too much foundation. The list goes on, and that was just my face! 

But I've been watching a lot of documentaries about food (I've mentioned how much I love food, right?) and one of the main points that all of them bring up is how the energy you put into something can be tasted when it's served. (Just like the power of positive thinking, but for food!) For example, a plant growing in a small garden behind the restaurant will produce more fruit if you sing to it and nurture it like a child. That positive energy makes the plant "happy" and it can make the dish taste better! These super serious, classically trained chefs become these mushy love-addicts when they talk about the special connection to the plants they grow. It's so amusing to watch! 

And I've got to think that method can work on people too! I know I feel so good when someone gives me a compliment, so why don't I start complimenting myself? Will it have the same affect? 

So as I put the moisturizer on my face at night, I spread it over my high cheekbones and pay myself a little compliment..."pretty girl, pretty girl." Then in the morning I coat my long eyelashes with mascara and say "pretty girl, pretty girl." It's helping to replace the negative self-talk with these reminders that I have things I love about my appearance too. I am a pretty girl.

You're pretty too (even you rough and tough guys! It's a state of mind, not an aesthetic!) Tell yourself that today and believe it. Then live it.

XOXO
SKate

For me, Winter is Over! Bring on Spring!

Winter is over.

Okay, I know it’s January and Charlotte just had its first snow last weekend. Let me say, MY winter is over. Time to bring back the light.

I had my dark, icy moment, and now I’m done. I have the overwhelming urge to be natural and light…to be makeup free and barefoot and really vibe with the energy of a fresh world. Have you ever felt like that? I need that wholeness again!

My personal winter season started a month and a half ago. Winter being the season of darkness, of cold and ice, and nature withering and dying. My life was mimicking it by staying out too late, having mood swings from lack of nutrition and exercise, and my heart was definitely NOT filling with the spirit of Christmas.

Weird thing is, I got really wrapped up in the holidays and being social…which isn’t my natural disposition. That was my first problem. I’m mostly an introvert who happens to know how to fake being outgoing. But this year I made a goal to attend any and every holiday party I was invited to. I was determined to have fun, even if I had to force it! And actually the first couple of parties were very fun! I decided to let loose and eat and drink whatever I wanted (where normally I have a very regimented diet…as my coworkers who invite me to lunch daily and I politely decline, can attest to). There were frosted cookies and cakes, dips with chips, and pigs in a blanket, and chocolate truffles, and spiced cider, and mulled wine, and on and on and on. I am a huge fan of food and FREE food is my favorite food, so believe me when I say I would indulge at these parties!

After about the fifth party I was in a gingerbread and eggnog fog! I was drinking almost nightly by then, and getting very little sleep, or exercise. A terrible combination, if you’ve ever been there. And by the 12^th  party (yes, I did 12 parties between November 29^th and December 28^th!...it would have been 14 but one looked so lame my friend and I didn’t even go in, and one I couldn’t make because of last weekend’s ice storm), I was basically an alcoholic zombie eating anything in front of me! …Brains! Brains!...

I hardly recognized myself…like how Ben Affleck must feel these days (have you seen this?! How can he not realize he didn’t fasten his pants?! Link HERE. Something is wrong with this poor soul!). My face was puffy and breaking out, my body was bloated from all the salt and fried food, and I put on about 8 pounds. Eight pounds! In a month. Here I lost 20 pounds the summer before and was in great shape –for a 34 year old lady! – but I threw that out the window for a few fun nights?! I really need help with my decision making process! Any life coaches out there need a new client??

My social life was good, but everything else was suffering. Add to that the fact that I was sad I wouldn’t be going home to Michigan to be with my family on Christmas, a yearly tradition since I moved away from home over 16 years ago. I was feeling depressed. There, I said it.

I dyed my usually light/highlighted long hair a dark, dark brown and cut it short. I bought dark lipstick and lined my eyes with black. I was shrouded in all the black clothes I owned, not only to match my mood, but to cover up my protruding belly and jiggly booty. 

Note me on the left here. This is about Party #6. See the drunken, glazed over look and the dark, dark hair?!: 

Christmas and New Year’s came and went…and I spent a lot of time with good friends which was great. But I was still drinking and eating, sitting on my ass, and then drinking and eating more. Then I got a visit from my parents which brightened my mood. We talk about everything and sometimes we pull out the family pictures, get nostalgic, and shed a few tears about all the great times we’ve had in our lives. It was exactly what I needed to reground myself! They departed, and I went into January with renewed optimism and a great desire to shed this negativity (and the weight, obviously!).

So here we are, 10 days into 2017 and I’m DYING for the sun on my face and the smell of budding flowers and sound of chirping birds. And because spring is still a couple months away from visiting Charlotte, I will just have to create my own spring season. I’ve been gorging on vegetables, wearing shorts around my home, not wearing a stitch of makeup, exercising every day (yes, DAILY movement is key, for those that want to lose that jiggle! – I’ll write an upcoming blog on my diet and exercise regimen and how I already lost 5 pounds since the 1^st! Woot woot!), and I am smiling and dancing around like a goon.

Mother Nature’s seasons are just a suggestion. I’m making my own reality this year. Spring has sprung in my world! Time for me to bloom!

I hope you make yourself smile, today and every day.

Peace,

SKate

Ex(es) Marks the Spot

It's been a really, really, really rough week...but not for me personally. I mean, I'm stressed out, but it's not from my own drama. It's because I'm an empathetic person and I'm taking on a lot of stress like it's my own.
My body has been cold and shivering, I'm not eating, and not sleeping. But actually, it's the "ex factor" that keeps me up at night. See, I have one ex-boyfriend who I just found out has been struggling with addiction and was thrown in jail. And then I have another ex-boyfriend who just left my apartment today to move across the country. He has been so incredibly unhappy with his life here. So instead of staying in Charlotte and being unhappy (which I totally support!) he decided to pick up and take his pup to Colorado to live with his dad and be a snow bum. (I myself would pick to be a"beach bum." But that's his choice.)

But because I have so much empathy for people, when I see that 2 exes are struggling, I blame myself and think that I'm an awful person that made them feel this pain. And so I get the shakes, and don't eat, and can't sleep...

I knew something was wrong with me when I was looking through cupcake recipes on Pinterest but didn't get hungry at all (that's a serious challenge!). And I've been exhausted during my 9+ hour work-days, but haven't been able to sleep at night. And when I do fall asleep, I've been having nightmares about my ex coming after me with an axe. So there's that. I've never been scared of my exes. (And as much as I've emotionally hurt some of them, that's probably very cocky of me!) However, this week, I did buy a big knife and keep it next to my bed. I call it the Zombie Killer. Just in case. ;-)

But through all this anxiety and distrust I've been feeling, I've realized that there's a spot in my heart that is way too jiggly. I'm a softy. There, I said it. I just  love everyone! Everyone!...even those that have hurt me. I thought for a long time that it made me a pushover. A weakling. Now I see it differently, it just makes me a little more like Jesus. Remember him? People don't usually talk about him in blogs. But I think they should. (Raise your hand if you'd rather talk about Him than any of the presidential candidates!)

And I would normally never compare myself to JC, but he is my teacher and I really am just trying to love EVERYONE  like he did- the sick and the prostitutes and the liars and the cheats. I think they might need the most love.
Wait, I'm debating whether it's them or the stoic mother who tells everyone "I'm fine" every day of her life. No one buys that story sweetie! Just let it go and cry on my shoulder for a bit. Good, there, is that better?

Anyway, I'm trying to let go of the past and trying to uplift those that need it most. So, to my Exes- I pray for you (both) and hope you (both) find what you're looking for, but I hereby ban you from taking up any more time in my head or my heart! With care, I say, get out! I love you (both) and I wish you (both) the best. But that's all you (both) get. You can't take any more of me.

Peace. Love. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
SKate