Ex(es) Marks the Spot

It's been a really, really, really rough week...but not for me personally. I mean, I'm stressed out, but it's not from my own drama. It's because I'm an empathetic person and I'm taking on a lot of stress like it's my own.
My body has been cold and shivering, I'm not eating, and not sleeping. But actually, it's the "ex factor" that keeps me up at night. See, I have one ex-boyfriend who I just found out has been struggling with addiction and was thrown in jail. And then I have another ex-boyfriend who just left my apartment today to move across the country. He has been so incredibly unhappy with his life here. So instead of staying in Charlotte and being unhappy (which I totally support!) he decided to pick up and take his pup to Colorado to live with his dad and be a snow bum. (I myself would pick to be a"beach bum." But that's his choice.)

But because I have so much empathy for people, when I see that 2 exes are struggling, I blame myself and think that I'm an awful person that made them feel this pain. And so I get the shakes, and don't eat, and can't sleep...

I knew something was wrong with me when I was looking through cupcake recipes on Pinterest but didn't get hungry at all (that's a serious challenge!). And I've been exhausted during my 9+ hour work-days, but haven't been able to sleep at night. And when I do fall asleep, I've been having nightmares about my ex coming after me with an axe. So there's that. I've never been scared of my exes. (And as much as I've emotionally hurt some of them, that's probably very cocky of me!) However, this week, I did buy a big knife and keep it next to my bed. I call it the Zombie Killer. Just in case. ;-)

But through all this anxiety and distrust I've been feeling, I've realized that there's a spot in my heart that is way too jiggly. I'm a softy. There, I said it. I just  love everyone! Everyone!...even those that have hurt me. I thought for a long time that it made me a pushover. A weakling. Now I see it differently, it just makes me a little more like Jesus. Remember him? People don't usually talk about him in blogs. But I think they should. (Raise your hand if you'd rather talk about Him than any of the presidential candidates!)

And I would normally never compare myself to JC, but he is my teacher and I really am just trying to love EVERYONE  like he did- the sick and the prostitutes and the liars and the cheats. I think they might need the most love.
Wait, I'm debating whether it's them or the stoic mother who tells everyone "I'm fine" every day of her life. No one buys that story sweetie! Just let it go and cry on my shoulder for a bit. Good, there, is that better?

Anyway, I'm trying to let go of the past and trying to uplift those that need it most. So, to my Exes- I pray for you (both) and hope you (both) find what you're looking for, but I hereby ban you from taking up any more time in my head or my heart! With care, I say, get out! I love you (both) and I wish you (both) the best. But that's all you (both) get. You can't take any more of me.

Peace. Love. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
SKate

Old musings... and cake!

Greetings friends! Happy New Year and all that jazz! 

Lately I've been writing. A lot. I've also been reading about writing. Then writing some more. Then reading what I wrote, and then writing even more...You get the picture, lots of writing.

One thing I hate to do is go back a few years and look at my old writings. I cringe reading my own writing the same way some actresses admit to hating watching themselves on TV. (Hey, any time I can compare myself to an actress you bet your ass I'm going to!) 

When I read some of my old stuff I see grammatical errors, discrepancies with tense, and can even sense whether I was in a good or bad head space at the time. But there are times in your life when you have to stop being so critical of yourself and just share! Sharing my writing makes me a stronger writer, which is one of the highest goals on my list! (Other life goals include: scuba diving with Jeannette, having the babies, and bitch-slapping Oprah, in case you were wondering.) 

So now, "submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this..." (Credit here, and also credit from me for knowing where that was from before clicking the link): "Eulogy for a Carb" which was written for a public speaking class at the University of Wisconsin: Oshkosh in the fall of 2008. I was 26. No revisions, or additions, just a college paper for your enjoyment. (Oh, and imagine me in front of a classroom full of trendy, judgey 18 year olds, reading this out loud. That happened.)

            It’s been a difficult day. A dark cloud has settled over my head and I’m forced to say goodbye to a dear, dear friend. It isn’t easy but I understand that it is a part of life.

            For 26 years he’s proven to be beneficial and promote my growth and well-being. He’s given me strength and comfort. He’s been by my side in times of sorrow and also with me for those wonderful, unforgettable moments.

            But today, I say adieu to you, Carbohydrate. You’ve been with me for over two decades now and I appreciate you. We’ve had some great times together and today, as you leave my life, I want to say a few words to honor you. I’d like to show your family and friends how you made an impact on my life. I’ll describe some of my fondest memories, like when I was 8 and had a Barbie-themed birthday, or my first date before the Homecoming dance, and then when I made my first Thanksgiving dinner.

            Starting in my youth, my childhood dream came true when my parents threw me the perfect, pink birthday party when I turned eight years old. All of my friends were in their pretty dresses and the decorations were beautiful. But the best part of the day was the Barbie-shaped birthday cake! Two layers of sweet, fluffy cake and pink butter cream frosting. Carbohydrate, you were with all of us through every satisfying bite and you made this little girl happier than you’ll ever know.

            Later, by the time I was in 9^th grade, Carbohydrate and I were very close. We’d spend all day together, from Fruit Loops for breakfast, pizza at lunch, and the tuna casserole that mom made for dinner. So it was obvious that for my first real date, Carbohydrate would accompany me. My date, David, took me to an Italian restaurant. Carbohydrate was with us as we enjoyed warm garlic bread and chicken fettuccini Alfredo. For dessert we splurged on cheesecake and then had a blast dancing with Carbohydrate during Homecoming.

            It’s a turning point in every adult’s life when they host their first holiday meal for the family. Luckily, I had Carbohydrate with me every step of the way to give me comfort. From the first glass of wine, to the stuffing, sweet potatoes, and of course, pumpkin pie, my family congratulated Carbohydrate and I for such a spectacular Thanksgiving meal. I knew what a good team we made and thought we’d always be together.

            Then I started reading Dr. Atkins’ books and my ideas about Carbohydrate changed. I realized that my body didn’t easily break down the complex carbs that he provided. I saw that he was making me softer, heavier, and giving me a carb-complex! Today I make a difficult decision, its time I break it off with Carbohydrate!

            I’m sorry Carbohydrate, but my life and my tummy just don’t have room for you. I’m certain you will find another girl who will welcome you with open arms, and an open mouth. You’ll be the French fries that fill her emptiness, the sweet blueberry muffin that begs her awake, and the chocolate chip cookies that help her guests feel welcomed. You’re going to mean the world to her, as you once meant to me. But I’ve done my research and I’ve found that you and I just don’t get along anymore. You weigh me down Carbohydrate, and I don’t need that in my life right now.

            As I say goodbye to you today, I remember those great times we had, from childhood birthday parties, to first dates and holidays and I thank you for always being close. Here’s to you, Carbohydrate, sweet friend. I will miss you and always think of you fondly.