It's been a really, really, really rough week...but not for me personally. I mean, I'm stressed out, but it's not from my own drama. It's because I'm an empathetic person and I'm taking on a lot of stress like it's my own.
My body has been cold and shivering, I'm not eating, and not sleeping. But actually, it's the "ex factor" that keeps me up at night. See, I have one ex-boyfriend who I just found out has been struggling with addiction and was thrown in jail. And then I have another ex-boyfriend who just left my apartment today to move across the country. He has been so incredibly unhappy with his life here. So instead of staying in Charlotte and being unhappy (which I totally support!) he decided to pick up and take his pup to Colorado to live with his dad and be a snow bum. (I myself would pick to be a"beach bum." But that's his choice.)
But because I have so much empathy for people, when I see that 2 exes are struggling, I blame myself and think that I'm an awful person that made them feel this pain. And so I get the shakes, and don't eat, and can't sleep...
I knew something was wrong with me when I was looking through cupcake recipes on Pinterest but didn't get hungry at all (that's a serious challenge!). And I've been exhausted during my 9+ hour work-days, but haven't been able to sleep at night. And when I do fall asleep, I've been having nightmares about my ex coming after me with an axe. So there's that. I've never been scared of my exes. (And as much as I've emotionally hurt some of them, that's probably very cocky of me!) However, this week, I did buy a big knife and keep it next to my bed. I call it the Zombie Killer. Just in case. ;-)
But through all this anxiety and distrust I've been feeling, I've realized that there's a spot in my heart that is way too jiggly. I'm a softy. There, I said it. I just love everyone! Everyone!...even those that have hurt me. I thought for a long time that it made me a pushover. A weakling. Now I see it differently, it just makes me a little more like Jesus. Remember him? People don't usually talk about him in blogs. But I think they should. (Raise your hand if you'd rather talk about Him than any of the presidential candidates!)
And I would normally never compare myself to JC, but he is my teacher and I really am just trying to love EVERYONE like he did- the sick and the prostitutes and the liars and the cheats. I think they might need the most love.
Wait, I'm debating whether it's them or the stoic mother who tells everyone "I'm fine" every day of her life. No one buys that story sweetie! Just let it go and cry on my shoulder for a bit. Good, there, is that better?
Anyway, I'm trying to let go of the past and trying to uplift those that need it most. So, to my Exes- I pray for you (both) and hope you (both) find what you're looking for, but I hereby ban you from taking up any more time in my head or my heart! With care, I say, get out! I love you (both) and I wish you (both) the best. But that's all you (both) get. You can't take any more of me.
Peace. Love. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
SKate
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