Why I’m Single - Part 2: The Odds Are Not in My Favor

I’m unapologetically single. I don’t have kids or pets. I have my own place. I’m in my 30s (young enough to still cut loose on occasion but old enough to know my limits). In other words, I do what I want. And I’m having the best years of my life! I attribute it to being so footloose and fancy free. It could also be that I just have more confidence and know myself better than at other points of my life….but whatever the case, I don’t want it to end! Today, for example, I’m planning a trip to visit Greece next month. On a whim! Simply because a friend suggested we should go to Greece for a week. I adore my freedom. I work hard and make money so I can do things like an impromptu trip. I admit, I have moments that I regret not getting married and having kids like most the women my age, but on days like today, those thoughts are a million miles away. Sorry, not sorry.

So the second blog in my series on Being Single focuses on this – I am single because I do not want my life to change! And everyone knows that the bringing together of two separate lives causes catastrophic changes. Good change I can handle, the loss of freedom is what terrifies me. And how do you know when you first meet someone??


Most of you have dated. It can be fun (also sometimes scary, I realize), but you know the general timeline of things:

1. There’s the getting to know you phase when you see each other a couple nights a week. You have butterflies in your stomach and you kiss a lot. This is my favorite part. I enjoy dating…as long as it doesn’t infringe on my weekly standing activities with my girls, or my personal time, that is. During this phase you still have your own lives and make room for each other when possible. Perfect.
2. Then when you really like each other, you decide to date exclusively. You spend most of your time together (which is great if he’s awesome!) and you stop dating other people. I can do that. I can be monogamous (despite what you’ve heard! Ha!). But if he shows signs of control or jealousy or insecurity when I talk to other people, I immediately lose interest and look for a way out. I am sure I’m not alone in this. No one wants to date a parent, and that’s what it feels like when they start making all your decisions for you. I urge you, don’t do it and don’t get involved with someone who does! 
3. Then if you do meet someone who is awesome to hang with, and is not controlling, you may even move-in together. This phase is usually when things go wrong for me. I have a bad habit of rushing this step. And before I know it “I” turns to “we” and then we suddenly have one brain and one schedule and do everything on earth together. Blecch! I’m independent. I like spending time alone. I’m all for step three, but it has to be right, not forced! For me, this step has always involved a bf who starts tracking my every move (including a few who hacked my personal email or checked my phone and bank statements on the regular). So you can imagine why I’m in no rush to reenter cohabitation! 
4. If you do make it through dating seriously with an awesome guy and you think living together is a breeze, then there is usually talk of rings and a wedding. Swoon! I’ve made it to this phase with 5 different guys. At first it is unbelievably romantic and dreamy and exciting to be with “the one”! But what I wasn’t anticipating is how quickly it turns into a mountain of expectations and schedules and rules. Plus you cut back on spending to save money for the big event. Basically, you stop dating and talking about anything other than the future so you stop living in the present! That’s dangerous! It has caused a lot of miscommunication in my past. A killer of relationships! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just take it slow if this is what you’re aiming for.
5. And …then comes marriage. This step is elusive. I have had a ring on my finger, a dress in my closet**, and the invites sent out for a Saturday in June…but I did not make it to the altar. I ran in the opposite direction actually. I was not ready to be with one guy the rest of my life. (Especially that guy!)* So this one is tricky, for me and many. I’m trying to tackle it like a new subject in school. I searched for books that help with successful marriages. I read Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, that helped. I read The 5 Love Languages, and even the classic Men are From Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. But printed words on the page can hardly prepare me for being in love and knowing the “right” way to spend the rest of my life with someone. My hesitation is that I hate failing. So you can see why I’m so reluctant to enter into marriage, which has less than a 50% success rate. The odds are not in my favor! 

I won’t give up though. I still look at each day as a chance to meet the man that will make me want to settle down. I’m optimistic, but also a realist… Which is why I booked another singles cruise for a year from now. 😁


Until I find an awesome guy, who is not controlling, who is fun to be around, who I can happily cohabitate with, then I will be single, and I will travel, and I will continue to do what I want. I won’t miss a second of this beautiful world and my beautiful life!

Remember not to force anything! If it is right, it will flow.

Good night Lovelies! Happy dating!
XO
SKate



*Some of you are wondering I’m sure…so here it is. My ex-fiancé and I both had major character flaws that led to a lack of trust and then unfixable relationship problems. His pain made him retaliate with vindictive actions which negatively impacted my life and job, so I left Charlotte and made for a fresh start out in Utah. I licked my wounds and faced my fears and moved back to Charlotte 2 years later.

**And you can help a girl out and buy said wedding dress straight from me! Please help me get rid of this ghost! I'm selling it on StillWhite.com