Why I’m Single - Part 2: The Odds Are Not in My Favor

I’m unapologetically single. I don’t have kids or pets. I have my own place. I’m in my 30s (young enough to still cut loose on occasion but old enough to know my limits). In other words, I do what I want. And I’m having the best years of my life! I attribute it to being so footloose and fancy free. It could also be that I just have more confidence and know myself better than at other points of my life….but whatever the case, I don’t want it to end! Today, for example, I’m planning a trip to visit Greece next month. On a whim! Simply because a friend suggested we should go to Greece for a week. I adore my freedom. I work hard and make money so I can do things like an impromptu trip. I admit, I have moments that I regret not getting married and having kids like most the women my age, but on days like today, those thoughts are a million miles away. Sorry, not sorry.

So the second blog in my series on Being Single focuses on this – I am single because I do not want my life to change! And everyone knows that the bringing together of two separate lives causes catastrophic changes. Good change I can handle, the loss of freedom is what terrifies me. And how do you know when you first meet someone??


Most of you have dated. It can be fun (also sometimes scary, I realize), but you know the general timeline of things:

1. There’s the getting to know you phase when you see each other a couple nights a week. You have butterflies in your stomach and you kiss a lot. This is my favorite part. I enjoy dating…as long as it doesn’t infringe on my weekly standing activities with my girls, or my personal time, that is. During this phase you still have your own lives and make room for each other when possible. Perfect.
2. Then when you really like each other, you decide to date exclusively. You spend most of your time together (which is great if he’s awesome!) and you stop dating other people. I can do that. I can be monogamous (despite what you’ve heard! Ha!). But if he shows signs of control or jealousy or insecurity when I talk to other people, I immediately lose interest and look for a way out. I am sure I’m not alone in this. No one wants to date a parent, and that’s what it feels like when they start making all your decisions for you. I urge you, don’t do it and don’t get involved with someone who does! 
3. Then if you do meet someone who is awesome to hang with, and is not controlling, you may even move-in together. This phase is usually when things go wrong for me. I have a bad habit of rushing this step. And before I know it “I” turns to “we” and then we suddenly have one brain and one schedule and do everything on earth together. Blecch! I’m independent. I like spending time alone. I’m all for step three, but it has to be right, not forced! For me, this step has always involved a bf who starts tracking my every move (including a few who hacked my personal email or checked my phone and bank statements on the regular). So you can imagine why I’m in no rush to reenter cohabitation! 
4. If you do make it through dating seriously with an awesome guy and you think living together is a breeze, then there is usually talk of rings and a wedding. Swoon! I’ve made it to this phase with 5 different guys. At first it is unbelievably romantic and dreamy and exciting to be with “the one”! But what I wasn’t anticipating is how quickly it turns into a mountain of expectations and schedules and rules. Plus you cut back on spending to save money for the big event. Basically, you stop dating and talking about anything other than the future so you stop living in the present! That’s dangerous! It has caused a lot of miscommunication in my past. A killer of relationships! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just take it slow if this is what you’re aiming for.
5. And …then comes marriage. This step is elusive. I have had a ring on my finger, a dress in my closet**, and the invites sent out for a Saturday in June…but I did not make it to the altar. I ran in the opposite direction actually. I was not ready to be with one guy the rest of my life. (Especially that guy!)* So this one is tricky, for me and many. I’m trying to tackle it like a new subject in school. I searched for books that help with successful marriages. I read Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, that helped. I read The 5 Love Languages, and even the classic Men are From Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. But printed words on the page can hardly prepare me for being in love and knowing the “right” way to spend the rest of my life with someone. My hesitation is that I hate failing. So you can see why I’m so reluctant to enter into marriage, which has less than a 50% success rate. The odds are not in my favor! 

I won’t give up though. I still look at each day as a chance to meet the man that will make me want to settle down. I’m optimistic, but also a realist… Which is why I booked another singles cruise for a year from now. 😁


Until I find an awesome guy, who is not controlling, who is fun to be around, who I can happily cohabitate with, then I will be single, and I will travel, and I will continue to do what I want. I won’t miss a second of this beautiful world and my beautiful life!

Remember not to force anything! If it is right, it will flow.

Good night Lovelies! Happy dating!
XO
SKate



*Some of you are wondering I’m sure…so here it is. My ex-fiancé and I both had major character flaws that led to a lack of trust and then unfixable relationship problems. His pain made him retaliate with vindictive actions which negatively impacted my life and job, so I left Charlotte and made for a fresh start out in Utah. I licked my wounds and faced my fears and moved back to Charlotte 2 years later.

**And you can help a girl out and buy said wedding dress straight from me! Please help me get rid of this ghost! I'm selling it on StillWhite.com 

Bikinis, Beaches, a Big Boat, a Best Friend, a Technology Break and Breathing Easy

In one week I'll be at the Ritz in Miami, most likely suffering from insomnia due to the excitement building for my 10 day singles cruise to the Caribbean on March 3rd!

This is a momentous vacation for me - it will be my first real vacation not accompanied by my parents or a past boyfriend. I'm going with my BFF and can only imagine the true spirit of freedom that will surround us. (Sing it for us George Michael)

Unlike traveling with parents I won't have to worry about curfews (yes, even on vacation!) or embarrassing them, or showing too much skin (bring on the teeny tiny bikinis!). And unlike traveling with my exes, I won't have to be on their schedule, or be careful who I talk to (a boy? gasp!), or how much I drink. Actually, the last cruise I was on, my boyfriend proposed to me the first night aboard! Michael* completely caught me off-guard. I remember being on the top deck and he started talking about a secret meeting he had up in Chicago a month before and that he hadn't been completely honest with me about a few things...I seriously considered throwing him overboard! WTF?! But then he revealed that he met up with my parents to ask for my hand in marriage... Precious. Too bad he was an angry, creepy, controlling, asshole or it would have been a great story to tell our kids someday. (I left him 4 weeks before our wedding in 2012, by the way. Sorry, not sorry. And I totally should have pushed the jackass overboard!)

Not sure how this post about a vacation turned into a confession, but I warned you in my very first blog that I tend to go off on tangents...and that I'm honest. Probably too honest. (Read that blog here)

Moving on... So this cruise will be one of the best weeks of my life, to be sure. We've got theme nights (everything from neon, to superhero, to masquerade) and island excursions (like a tour of Flamingo Beach and a zip line in Labadee), an endless drink package, fine dining, warm sun, oh, and cute singles!!

But mostly I'm looking forward to unplugging. I will not be online. I will not be on Facebook or Instagram. I will not be reachable by text. I will not be checking email. I will not even have my computer.

My life is far too controlled by screens! Can you relate??

I wake up to the alarm on my cell phone. I work all day in front of a laptop, with a second monitor. I go to the gym to run on a treadmill with a personal TV showing my course. I eat dinner scrolling through social media or reading a book on my Kindle. And at the end of the day I usually watch a show or movie in bed. 24-7 I'm tied to technology! And I need a break. I don't want to know who is complaining about our President, who's kid kept them up until 3am, or who made it through leg day at the gym. I really shouldn't care about that shit anyway, but I do. I do it too occasionally. And I (used to) like my virtual life. It used to be such a happy, funny life (remember addictive games, pictures with friends (NOT selfies), and check ins at restaurants?). Lately all the complaining and meddling in others' business is out of control! Give me the days before Likes (not to mention all the other emotions!), and making random FB albums, and bragging about your winning streak on Farmville! Where did our innocence go?! Look at this fluffy, happy, unicorn-type shit from 2006 that I posted:

Not a single Like or comment...we didn't do that back then. We actually took time to make albums, not just upload pictures from our phone. And we/I thought it was important to post a picture of a van shaped like a pig. I want that silliness back! We all take things FAR too seriously now. If a girl doesn't get 100 likes on a picture, she deletes it! We bicker over politics. We say mean things to people and feel empowered because of this buffer of a screen name. It's bullshit!

My request is that you think about your virtual life. How would someone view you if they ONLY saw your profiles? Do you use FB as a soapbox? Do you only go online to complain? Are you rude to people because you'll never meet them in person?

Can we try to follow that old adage our elders taught us that if we don't have something nice to say, we don't say it? Will you attempt to exude positiveness this week online? Try it: one week with ZERO complaints. NO bashing someone or their opinions. Try posting only compliments and jokes and things that make you smile.

Then after you conquered it this week. Try another week. Then another. 

Maybe someday the internet will be safer... or at least more fun and less judgmental. I'll do my part. I hope you'll do yours. 

Next week will be easy for me...no internet on my cruise. :) 

For now, it's time to dream about umbrella drinks and swimming in clear blue water. And a happy, silly internet world.

XO

SKate

*Names have NOT been changed because there was nothing innocent about that guy! Muwhahaha!